My BF and I have been together for 13 years now, and he has been living with me for the last 12. When we first started dating I was making more than he was, and he was paying his own mortgage. As the years have gone by, his salary has surpassed mine by about 25%, and he has had renters in his home for the last 8 years paying about $200 more than his mortgage.
He pays for our cell phone plan ($150/month) and gives me $350 for groceries, utilities, etc. which works out to about half.
I hate to get picky because our relationship is very good, but he’s saving thousands of dollars each year by not having to pay for the roof over his head while I’m struggling to make ends meet each month and it doesn’t seem fair. Neither of us have frivolous spending issues and we don’t travel much, and he’s happy to give me money towards anything I may need help with (though I don’t ask often; only when I’m really in a bind).
What’s the best way to approach this? Is it reasonable of me to expect some “rent” (though I hate that word for this situation), or does it sound fair as is? This mortgage is 100% in my name; he would only acquire the house if I were to die (per my will). I don’t want to open a can of worms if one doesn’t need to be.
Why not tell him that for the next 12 years you want to rent your house out and live in his house and that you’ll pay the phone bill and half the groceries? Sounds fair to me.
It is concerning that your boyfriend would allow you to struggle while he saves thousands of dollars. You have an important relationship issure to address. If you have difficulty righting the ship by yourself, an option is to get advise from an Accredited Financial Counselor who concentrates in couples’ financial situations. You could initially see the Counselor by yourself.
To be fair, he’s quick to offer financial assistance if/when I ask; it’s my pride that prevents me from asking. I would be in (slightly) worse shape financially if he weren’t in the picture to help when I do need the occasional bump.
I didn’t realize there was such a thing as a “couples financial counselor.” I’ll start looking into this next week. I’m sure they could help us figure out what’s fair and equitable.
Absolutely he should be paying half of your mortgage payment. Call it rent, call it a roommate fee or whatever. He is benefiting immensely from your situation. With the extra income you’d be able to split the phone bill and other sundries and probably wouldn’t need the occasional emergency relief, although a good boyfriend would not balk at helping you out.
What - a $150 cell phone. Who pays that much?.. Does he use it for his business? Anyways, you might want to get a new boyfriend, since he does not seems to care much about you and your well being or finances.
I think that I would seek legal counsel before making any decisions. If he starts contributing to the mortgage then he may be able to claim ownership should things turn sour. That’s the case in my community property state. If he starts paying rent, then he would be entitled to all legal protections that renters have. In particular, you wouldn’t be able to kick him out but would need to get the courts involved to evict him (should things turn sour) which could be a lengthy process. Remember that as things are, you are building equity in your home that’s all yours. He’s not.
We’re in GA which doesn’t recognize common law marriage no matter how long you’ve been together, but your other points are definitely worth considering.
I’ve been trying to make an appointment with a financial counselor, but an attorney may be the smarter choice.
split all your costs down the middle. once your house is paid, charge him half of what the mortgage would be, plus half the bills. I did this once and now i realize that he was willing to live with me scott free, and i could only see this in hindsight. He once borrowed 600 bucks from me, and expected me to forgive the loan, and got really pissed when i asked for it back.
I agree with p1g1, and think a couples appointment with a financial counselor could help your situation. Perhaps you could chat with the advisor over the phone and prep him about your situation and then HE can be the one who suggests a fair way for boyfriend to contribute to the housing expense. This will save you the awkward nature of initiating the conversation yourself. However, I agree with the others that boyfriend should have brought this up himself and set up a fair arrangement years ago. It disturbs me that he hasn’t put your best interest first in this matter.
Definitely speak to an attorney about him paying on the mortgage or paying rent, and associated risks. The mortgage is the bigger risk, imo. He likely already has tenant protections.
You’ve been together 13 years without making a formal commitment to each other. There must be a reason why.
We haven’t made a formal commitment because we both think marriage is ridiculous and messy when it goes bad (as it has for me once and him twice). And unfortunately we’re both busy and lazy and just haven’t made the time to get anything formal drafted.
I’m looking into seeing an attorney in the next week or two.
I get that, but there are protections that marriage offers to each partner. Without that, you need documented contracts that take into account the specific laws of your state. Without that, you risk your wishes not being followed if you are hospitalized, and cannot speak for yourself; if you die, and how your assets are divided; if you are incapacitated, and need to be confined to a care facility…who takes care of your business…pays your bills…makes decisions on your care… ???
And some of those protections can turn around and bite you should you divorce. My marriage ended after 15 years and it would have been much better to have individual documents. And your long term care is best laid out in a separate document as well, even if you are married as there is no guarantee that your spouse will outlive you